So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
cat food counts as protein by the way
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
