3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Drake has all the answers
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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