I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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