Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
