take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You ate ashes out of my bong
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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