somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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