why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
