my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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