i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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