You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
3pm strippers are depressing
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
