using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
