I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
