Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
