Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize