Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
