I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
