my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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