Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize