Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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