i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
