I've blown a few things in my day
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
