Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
