i need an iv and a liver transplant
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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