I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
