I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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