I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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