that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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