I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
