please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
