Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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