Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
