I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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