i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
