My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
