Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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