I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
