Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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