You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You pole danced in your parka.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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