I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
