I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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