The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
His nipple licking is glorious
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