Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize