Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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