So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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