So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
