TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
