He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
