I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
