the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
