$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize