i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
