I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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