She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
