For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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