Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
