Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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