oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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